17 Weeks...

We are 17+ weeks now, and time seems to be flying by, next week I go on a plane to see my grandmother who has never seen me pregnant and my mother, I am looking forward to it immensely. My only problem is that I am leaving my darling Bom behind with his Daddy for 4 days!! The longest I have ever left him, and it is going to rip my heart apart :( However it will be good for them, DH will get to see that I don't have it so easy, and Bom will get to spend some quality time with his Dad.

I'm a bit scared of how my grandmother is going to react, she had a stroke many years ago and remembers me as a child, telling her that I am married, have a child and another on the way every half an hour is going to be hard, sad but happy at the same time I think.

I am so excited to see my mother though, I haven't seen her since March, and I struggle here without her, but knowing that I get to see her next week, and that she will be here when Bub is due makes me extremely happy as well. 2 and a bit days together, so little but it means a lot.

Bom is making more leaps with his speech which is fantastic, we are waiting for an appointment from Audiology to see whether or not he will be getting grommets which I hope will also help his speech/hearing.

No joy on the toilet training front as yet, he doesn't seem interested and I am not going to force him until he is ready.

8 days until I go away, 18 days until flavour time, 23 weeks until baby time :)

Hope you are having a fabulous day!

2nd Trimester

Well we have made it to the second trimester, I am currently 15 weeks and a few days pregnant, and it's not how it was the last time...

There is no morning sickness!

I think it is a girl, with DS I thought it was going to be a boy from the start, now however I am thinking of a girl, and girls names... it is very strange.

10 weeks 3 Days, 210 Days to Go

The joys of being pregnant!

The morning sickness is pretty much non-existent, Im a bit afraid actually so im hoping when I meet the MW next week for the first time, that I didn't imagine the positive tests!

So I haven't spewed, my breasts ache like they are having there own little menstrual cramps, Im tired, and my little munchkin has taken to kissing the bubby... which makes for a very cold stomach!

not to mention the tongue in the belly button *shudders*

Current obsessions in our house are : Barney, Cookies, Fish and Cats.

Current wants in our house : for the next 210 days to swing by fast!

I ran out of smokes at 6pm last night, I didn't have on again until 9.20 this morning, I don't think I feel good about it either, its the morning that I seem to have issues with, the missing out on that first morning smoke.

But at least even if some of it was sleeping, that I know I can go that long without one.

So, It has been a while....

I haven't posted in a good few months, which looking at my track record is no big surprise.

I am pleased to announce to anybody and everybody whoever may read this, that after 9ish months of trying, we are expecting our second baby.

We are currently 10 weeks along and have first midwife visit next week.

Hubby and I are extremely happy.

I hope that everyone else out in the blogosphere is having as good a year as I.

Were you born to be a quitter?

I wasn't!

I'm trying my butt off to quit smoking and it's not working! I read Allan Carrs' Easyway, I can't use patches and gum, they make me feel queasy, and even a hyperactive toddler does not help.

Lets make a list of stuff that I have tried to QUIT and failed :

Chocolate
Smoking
Coca Cola

ha, 3 things, and I have failed completely... ahhhhh well, I will just keep going, and going and going.

I redid my facebook today, and its funny, I have the guy I lost my virginity to, one of the guys I let get away, and the ex-fiance who used to do unspeakable things from previous posts did to me.

Now I am not one to dwell, ok maybe I am, but shhhh we'll keep that under our hats. But I have just realised the Mr Unspeakable - I don't stay friends with Ex's - is OMG one of my friends.

I love people that say and do another.

Hospitals...

Today we are going to the hospital where my darling Bom was born.

Now while I normally have no problems per se with hospitals, this one truly sucks.

Bom has a lump in his stomach, I am unsure as to what it is, although the doctor described it as a lymph node mass, now this lymph node mass has moved and grown and shrunk in size, and I know what a lymph node mass can be, and what it can't be, I am only hoping that it is not what it could be in the worst sense of the word and only be a hernia.

We are also going to get his speech development checked out, they are going to do a tympanogram.. haha good luck with that.

And they are also going to check out his hearing, because my little trouble maker is quite susceptible to ear infections which may lead to grommets.

The other thing that is being checked out are his legs, he has been walking for 14 months now, and he still turns his foot in and trips over his feet. According to the doctor he has next to no strength in the opposite leg and plenty in the other.

I have stayed away from beloved google so that I don't self diagnose and scare the crap out of myself, but I am scared, I am scared for my little boy, and scared of what the outcome is going to be.

I Am Who I Am...Or Am I?

I am a Mother, Wife, Daughter, Sister, Aunt, Cousin and Friend.

Why am I defined by these things, and why through my own actions, do I act differently for each title?

I am the woman who gets her son up each morning, plays and feeds him all day and puts him to bed. I am his Mother.

I am the woman who ignores her husband getting out of bed in the morning for work, so she can sleep more, the woman who when he walks back in the door asks "How was your day babe, once your out of your uniform can you get the veges on for tea?", the woman who brushes off all attempts at sex, even though she wants another baby. I am his Wife.

I am the woman who loves her mother dearly, the woman who texts her every two days to make sure she's okay. The woman who would fly to the ends of the earth to be near her mother. I am her Daughter.

I am the woman who will help her siblings as much as possible, but isn't sure if she loves them. The woman who will take her sisters degrading comments, but treats her older brother like a child because he acts that way. I am their Sister.

I am the woman who has one niece she sees semi regularly, and bestows with love. I am the woman with a niece that I will never meet, and a nephew that I rarely hear about. I am their Aunt.

I am the woman who will wear a dress for their cousins' wedding. Solely and only for them. I am the woman who loves this cousin so much, that I cry at the pure love between him and his new wife. I am his Cousin.

I am the woman who will listen to all her friends complaints, the woman that will let their tears roll down her shoulder and never expect anything in return. I am their Friend.

Why is it that I feel that I am not this, I am not who they all think that I am? This mainly pertains to my relationship with my Husband.

While I love him (and I do) I feel I am not myself, or who I used to be. I know that people change, and that this is NOT his fault, not by any way, shape or mean.

But he is the receiver of this change. He doe's not know who I am or who I can be. That has been wrecked for him, by C.

C entered my life when I was 14, he was the crass, strange, oddly sexy Australian who used to come into my work and give me a devastatingly beautiful smile... fast forward a few years and 2 boyfriends to July 2005 where he becomes my boyfriend at the tender age of 17.

I the all knowing and seeing wise one that I was (yeah right) knew that he had been to jail, that he had alcohol and violence convictions. He explained those away for me, and I let it rest.

I learnt that those devastatingly gorgeous smiles, were meant for me, because he had, had a crush on me for the past 3 years, that's why he wrote to me from jail, rung me while on bail and then went straight back to jail, that's why he kept coming back to where we lived was to see me.

Which of course made me feel so special.

We had dated for 2 months before alcohol came into it. That night, he threw me across his bedroom, and then threw me out into the lounge, and broke the back door window. I wasn't allowed to leave. I had to stay with him all night other wise I would "Get the shit beaten out of me."

It was the first night I had been allowed to stay, and I was scared. I spent the whole night against the wall praying that someone would come or that I could leave. But for someone that was as drunk as he was he was a light sleeper. He didn't remember a thing the next morning.

I being the innocent that I was, knew that I couldn't tell my mother, but thought that it was a one off. I ended up moving in with him on boxing day 3 months later.

We went to work together on an orchard, where he proceeded to get drunk a lot, but didn't do anything, in fact he proposed there one drunken night. I of course accepted.

We moved in with my mother, who in turn began to notice (he had a new job) just how often he never came home, or how late he came home, drunk and reeking of marijuana, unapologetic and mean.

But again, never hurt me while living there.

We moved out of there, and into his parents place, all the while he was going to our old place, drinking, getting stoned and never coming home.

One night he decided that he had, had enough, I remember it vividly - he started stabbing the Cola bottle with a knife (while drunk obviously) and started calling me a Whore, Slut, Dog and telling me that he was going to Ibiza without me ( that was our long term plan) then he started in on his mother, slamming her hand repeatedly in the sliding door. I went to the bedroom to get away from it. He punched me. Repeatedly. To this day he can not remember that, and I have not told him.

His brother who was also living there at the time, had not previously believed me about Cs' actions and said that I must have caused them. That night I was vindicated, his brother witnessed the fact that I had said and done nothing to cause this violent outburst.

For the first time ever.. I rung the police.

I rung the police, and they came and took him away, where he assaulted one as well. I remember walking to the end of the driveway to stand next to G. (brother) to make sure that the police were okay. I watched them pepper spray my fiance to the ground to subdue him (he was a large man.) and I remember his brother pulling me into a hug and saying I'm Sorry, I had no idea.

I will always remember that apology, as it is the only one that has had the most meaning in my short lifetime.

I went to the police station the next day, and watched this sad little boy, with his shoes taken off him in case he hung himself and handed him a letter, stating that I could not go on with this relationship if he was to continue acting this way.

He cried, I wrote a letter to the judge recusing his behaviour, and he got let off with a fine and community service.

Which lead to all the other smatterings of violence, alcohol and drug abuse his community service sparked in him to go to school and learn a trade that he is still doing now, but it lead to him also meeting the drop-kicks of society.

And it is also where I lost my dignity. He strangled and choked me in front of these people. And they laughed.

He punched me over and over that night as well.

I left him not long after that night, after 18 months I had had enough.

Now know, that is only some of the abuse that he has put me through, there is physical, mental, verbal and sexual abuse that is just not what I am ready to talk about yet.

He has changed and ruined me now, I am no longer the outgoing, friendly, enthusiastic person I once was.

I am now the paranoid, panic attack ridden, shy, unconfident, body image issued person that he has caused me to be.

My husband, has received a damaged wife, and he does not know it, for while he is attentive, he's not that attentive.

My Husband and Son, could have received a bubbly, enthusiastic, confident wife and mother, instead they receive this broken shell.

This shell that hates who she is, hates what she has become, and does not know where to start to fix things. Especially those that can't be fixed.

That's 3 years ago now, 3 years that have haunted me over and over.

But 3 years ago I met this man, and I became pregnant to him, and became his wife.

I love this man, but he deserves who I used to be.

I love my son, but he deserves who I used to be.

I deserve who I used to be.